Tuesday, July 14, 2015

MODELLING: PHALLOSO DREADNOUGHT

Are you a true Warhammer 40k fan? Do you play Space Marines like all grown men? Do you want to dominate the Warhammer 40k tournaments? Do you intend to strike fear with your Space Marines? If the answer is yes then this tutorial is something for you!


A Dreadnought is the embodiment of Warhammer 40k, Space Marines and Fear. A mighty warrior once fighting in countless battles to finally give his life 'for the Emperor!' and spend eternity encased in the cold confines of a Dreadnought carapace. Even among Dreadnoughts there is none mightier and more feared than Phalloso type. Armed with two powerful Dick-shaped close combat weapons the Phalloso strikes fear in the hearts of all enemies, including Necron and Tyranids! There is a saying among the Imperials that 'to die by the... hands of a Phalloso Dreadnought is to taste fate worse than to be consumed by the Gods of Chaos themselves'

BEFORE YOU PROCEED - GO ON AND BUY A DREADNOUGHT! 




TUTORIAL: HOW TO MAKE A PHALLOSO DREADNOUGHT

1) Using Citadel Hobby Knife* get inside the box! There's a Dreadnought waiting to be born!
* Remember to reattach a special protective cover when you're done. You don't want to harm yourself!


2) The box, assembly instruction and transfer sheets are all garbage* for ladylike kids - trash them immediately!
*"But i like the transfer sheets" WHOOOOT?! Stop this tutorial right now and do not - i repeat - DO NOT lay your womanish hands on a sacred plates of a Dreadnought! Go and collect some Eldar!


3) Using Citadel Plastic Cutters remove two Dreadnought Close Combat Weapon base parts* from the sprues. I know that for a srong man's hands Plastic Cutters are poor and unnatural tool but one must suffer if one is to create a magnificent work!
*"What about other parts?" Don't worry, we will get there in time. The most important thing in modelling is to plan your work accordingly!


4) We finally got there! From now on all the modelling stuff will get more manworthy! Using Citadel Hobby Vice* cut some Green Stuff into pieces!
*Some poor modellers disregard Citadel Hobby Vice as useless. If someone tells you not to buy one  then he's modelling skills are probably far below the mediocree level.


5) Time for some sculpting. First prepare a Green Stuff ball anr roll it down with Citadel Clean-up Tool*.
*This tool is pretty useless but hey - we've just found a use for it!
Now sculpt the D'claws starting with the head and foreskin. The more love you'll put to it the more fear it will strike in the future.


6) After gluing the D'claws to the Dreadnought's forehands place them into the Vice and under a strong light source. Heat will quicken the process of hardening and you will be able to start modelling some ammo clips. Start by chopping more Green Stuff pieces with Citadel Razor Saw and create four balls from it. Polish the balls with Citadel Clean-up Brush so that they shine* nicely.
*This will bring additional terror effect as the light reflected by the balls will imitate that of Emperor's own halo!


7) Do you feel your testosterone pumping in your vanes?! LEt it loose by reaping off all the rest of the Dreadnought's bitz out of sprues. Use man-friendly Citadel Hobby Vice to do it and sing THIS SONG while doing so!


8) For most of us gluing small bitz together is the worst of all nightmares! It usually ends up with fingers, trousers and literally everything glued together but for the parts intended. Do not falter tho as you can deceive the system and use two* Citaled Hobby Vice to do the work.
*Double the Vice, double the fury, double the MAN POWER!
Remember to drill some with Citadel Hobby Drill. It is not necessary but it's a lot of fun and your girlrfiend will get into good mood if she sees it. 


9) You now have two mighty weapons for your Phalloso Dreadnought but he still misses one vital part - it's soul - the Sarcophagus! Do not bother to use a regular hobby file to prepare the front part of the Sarcophagus as it will take forever to make it done. Use the all-powerful Citadel Emery Boards to flatten the surface, then put some Green Stuff on it and sculpt* a nice Cock ornament on it.
*The best tool for the job is the back of Citadel Hobby Saw!


10) Just add some final touch by futher polishing the Phalloso Dreadnought with Citadel Clean-up Brush. Remember that every minute devoted to the task will earn you advantage in future battles!


11) It's finally done! The Phalloso Dreadnought is ready for battle and you can rest assured that it'll scare the hell out of your opponents! You can sip some pure whiskey out of Citadel Brush Cup while admiring your work...


Remember:
Steel for humans...
Silver for monsters...
Brush for miniatures ;)

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